I'm 27. Will turn 28 next year. I have been retrospecting for a while, just like I always do, but since people change like the seasons, my retrospection changes with my thought pattern, degree of maturity (which I'm pretty unsure about), environment, company and, wants, in short.
As for my thought pattern: has become increasingly destructive, especially these past few weeks. Been thinking of destroying lives, including my own, running away, not eating and starving, and most often, death.
As for my degree of maturity: I know if I leave this world, many others will also be affected. I hate myself, but there are others who care. Still. In spite of all the shit I've given them. So. Dying or running away ain't an option. People realize this earlier in life, well, I'm just retarded, but, an honest retard. one more thing, nobody wants you 'just' the way you are, they also observe the way you grow with the world, growing, doing the duties, taking care of others and yourself. These things build something, which people call relationships. I have realized, I previously had zero idea of this, I just thought a relationship was, just letting emotions take control, but no, emotions mean cunt in the real world. What matters is dependability. Emotions happen to children, yes, children.
Environment: Fall has come. Some trees are green, some are red, some are yellow, some gold, some orange. It's beautiful! I live beside the golf course, and riding down to S&T is sheer joy. Mornings, beautiful colors, birds singing, me waking up, good coffee (with a tad bit of fireball whiskey ;) ), and the wind in your hair. Evenings, starry starry. I love it. If I get a chance, I'll stay here, so much better than the shitbag east-coast.
Company: None. Because, law is lawless.
Wants: Only one. She's long gone.
So well, let me take a shot!
Aah! feels good. Damn that whiskey burns!
Company: What's there to say. Lost all my friends, found new ones, lost them too. I'm an ace at losing people. People get attracted to me by virtue of what-I-never-knew, then I totally blow their beliefs/trust. That's how I am. I don't need no counselor. Been to too many.
Lost a brother, to god knows what. Made myself another one. Lost him too, to drugs. How many more, how many more? But it's okay. Some people are just as unfortunate.
People say, love yourself, but what's there to love if you're in exile, right?
Wants: A farm, To work the land. A dog, to talk to. A pill, for peace. Just peace.
So here it is. A list of things I've done till date, things that remain to be done, things that are just imaginary.
Things I've done.
1. Slept on the foot-walk for days.
2. Disappointed and fought with my whole family.
3. Escaped the country because I was just afraid of facing my own ghosts.
4. Loved a woman, wholeheartedly. :)
5. Broke my heart.
6. Smoked much cigarettes, till I got hooked.
7. Got my dad and brother hooked.
8. Was a happy pothead, till I started trying newer stuff.
9. Tried the H, got hooked.
10. Spent days in craving, with, severe withdrawals for a new life.
11. Failed at everything.
12. Got back up, then realized, all was lost anyway.
13. Left everyone, even my own person, bought plane tickets, headed west.
14. Destroyed myself with alcohol, then tried getting clean, got destroyed by the wrath of alcohol withdrawals, then conquered them.
15. Found out my beloved is getting married, got back to being a drunk, got out again.
16. Did well in studies, then crashed the next test.
17. Played the guitar, was great at it, left, then started again, feels good.
18. Traveled around the Himalayas. Happy days. Wish could have bought someone along.
19. Lied to people.
20. Hated myself. Uncontrollably.
Things I have yet to do:
1. Be a good man.
2. Be a good boyfriend, if I ever have a chance.
3. Be a good brother.
4. Run off to mexico, marry a latina with a fatass. :P
As for my thought pattern: has become increasingly destructive, especially these past few weeks. Been thinking of destroying lives, including my own, running away, not eating and starving, and most often, death.
As for my degree of maturity: I know if I leave this world, many others will also be affected. I hate myself, but there are others who care. Still. In spite of all the shit I've given them. So. Dying or running away ain't an option. People realize this earlier in life, well, I'm just retarded, but, an honest retard. one more thing, nobody wants you 'just' the way you are, they also observe the way you grow with the world, growing, doing the duties, taking care of others and yourself. These things build something, which people call relationships. I have realized, I previously had zero idea of this, I just thought a relationship was, just letting emotions take control, but no, emotions mean cunt in the real world. What matters is dependability. Emotions happen to children, yes, children.
Environment: Fall has come. Some trees are green, some are red, some are yellow, some gold, some orange. It's beautiful! I live beside the golf course, and riding down to S&T is sheer joy. Mornings, beautiful colors, birds singing, me waking up, good coffee (with a tad bit of fireball whiskey ;) ), and the wind in your hair. Evenings, starry starry. I love it. If I get a chance, I'll stay here, so much better than the shitbag east-coast.
Company: None. Because, law is lawless.
Wants: Only one. She's long gone.
So well, let me take a shot!
Aah! feels good. Damn that whiskey burns!
Company: What's there to say. Lost all my friends, found new ones, lost them too. I'm an ace at losing people. People get attracted to me by virtue of what-I-never-knew, then I totally blow their beliefs/trust. That's how I am. I don't need no counselor. Been to too many.
Lost a brother, to god knows what. Made myself another one. Lost him too, to drugs. How many more, how many more? But it's okay. Some people are just as unfortunate.
People say, love yourself, but what's there to love if you're in exile, right?
Wants: A farm, To work the land. A dog, to talk to. A pill, for peace. Just peace.
So here it is. A list of things I've done till date, things that remain to be done, things that are just imaginary.
Things I've done.
1. Slept on the foot-walk for days.
2. Disappointed and fought with my whole family.
3. Escaped the country because I was just afraid of facing my own ghosts.
4. Loved a woman, wholeheartedly. :)
5. Broke my heart.
6. Smoked much cigarettes, till I got hooked.
7. Got my dad and brother hooked.
8. Was a happy pothead, till I started trying newer stuff.
9. Tried the H, got hooked.
10. Spent days in craving, with, severe withdrawals for a new life.
11. Failed at everything.
12. Got back up, then realized, all was lost anyway.
13. Left everyone, even my own person, bought plane tickets, headed west.
14. Destroyed myself with alcohol, then tried getting clean, got destroyed by the wrath of alcohol withdrawals, then conquered them.
15. Found out my beloved is getting married, got back to being a drunk, got out again.
16. Did well in studies, then crashed the next test.
17. Played the guitar, was great at it, left, then started again, feels good.
18. Traveled around the Himalayas. Happy days. Wish could have bought someone along.
19. Lied to people.
20. Hated myself. Uncontrollably.
Things I have yet to do:
1. Be a good man.
2. Be a good boyfriend, if I ever have a chance.
3. Be a good brother.
4. Run off to mexico, marry a latina with a fatass. :P
'I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special'
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special'
