Remember that day?

when you poured yourself some whiskey, then you we're reaching for the water to mix it up, but decided to fuck it, and drink it neat? happening right now! that doesn't happen to happy people.

nothing, 'out of my soul', comes into this blog, that's why i'm so grateful. I'm honest here.

I've tried posting poser shit, but it never comes out. no. my fingers freeze when I'm typing.

'Sugarman, you're the answer which makes my questions disappear.
Sugarman I am weary about the double games I hear'

This post is so random, that it might get to you. Also, eat well, sweetheart. I love you.

I've once had a fever from a bitter sweet refrain. I've had a lovely time in this world. I've tried dying, but that doesn't work. Life, is a persistent asshole, who keeps yelling out to you to live, even, when you know you shouldn't make it. Not 'can't', but shouldn't. I tried locking myself in a room and dying, didn't work. Nobody got worried, that's what worried me the most. hahaha. funny life this is. It wasn't my intention to get them worried as well.

I've woken after midnight, and found my swans had turned to geese.

I am pouring myself another drink. Relax, it's great whiskey. The best there is. But, it's not good enough.

Borrowed happiness has a sharp rate of interest.

That's what I've been doing. borrowing happiness, to forget you, to be happy, then borrowing some more. Someday that'll subside. Someday we'll outgrow everything. But outgrowing stuff shouldn't be the motto of life. It's necessary, I understand, but It shouldn't rule one's life.

I'm such a hippocrite. :P

You know, they should have a flower by the hospitals. Yeah. I know I'm crazy and random. Also I dont understand why I post on this blog.

I will buy a ticket and go down to New York. Yeah, I made a busker friend, and I'll play with him. 

Letters to the Self #1

Dear Riju,

Yes, Riju. Because that is what your name is. Not phish, not the thousand others which people have given you. This, is your identity. Yes, feel the warmth of pride, son. Grow up to your name.

When you first boarded that plane, there were about a million, if not a billion conflicting thoughts running through your head. Yes, I'm acting as the 'objectivist' and talking to you. But what surprised you/me the most, that unlike all the other times, when you followed your heat, this time, you made an exception. You followed your gut. Yes, since men don't have the brains, the Gut and the Heart are the only two things which drive us in directions. Choice, is privilege, that, you must have understood! Once you had that. Well, you also had the 'choice' to squander it. Which you did, just to see what it felt like to squander such important choices. But I know why, hence I won't judge you. Just like the rest in your blood, you sought answers to the billion questions, that pop to your head. Common men/people, always give you accounts of the plausible, of choices done 'right'. But you wanted the whole spectrum, and to have that, you had to delve into the 'wrong'. Yes, you fucking scientist, you were the subject of your own experiment of finding out ALL of the possibilities of life, the good, AND the bad. It's like a scientist who has cancer, injecting himself with the drug which he just discovered! yes, but DO NOT glorify yourself, fucker! You HAVE caused, loss, disgrace, disenchantment, that doesn't count as nothing, since you DID waste/laydown to waste, human happiness. You caused harm, but since, nobody else bothered about your state of being, it all nullifies. you got lucky there, but it does have its repercussions, which, I'm sure, you're getting to feel b the second in this amazingly wretched weather. :) have fun, asshole!

But then again, you're weirdly enterprising! You, just, cannot, give up, can you? Since you had tested the limits of your being, you have decided to not stop existing, persevere till the end, and...Live?? hahaha. Damn you, you persistent motherfucker! Live! Yes, you must. 

You know?? Take that camera to New York. :)

Who knows what might happen! Like Ashley said, Fuck around till you get sick!

Regards

Shiladitya

The extremes of weather force us to make extreme changes to our system.

I've been growing reclusive again. Sometimes I think it's the cold which is getting to me, but I know its not that. It's the absence of warmth around me.

I've come so far.